long time no see

i was reading all my old blogs on here.
a lot has changed since i last blogged, tbh i use tumblr now.
im sitting here in candlelight needing a pee, and wanting some noms. everyones gone to watch inbetweeners but i can't. so i'l watch it on 4od, but that'll be after everyones seen it :(

i looked at all my old posts, theres alot of my life from earlier this year and last year blogged on here. and a lot about glen, being referred to as 'cunt' a lot. it was kind of nice in a weird way reading up about that time of my life. i still think you're a cunt, just not to me anymore. to one of my best friends instead. WOOP DE WOOP. lol, it was strange rereading about how upset i was. they crying and anger and hate feels like so long ago now.

i'm year 11 now, top of the school :') part from the sixth formers, but unlike when i was year 7/8 i now know a lot of them ;D i hate the year 8's. the year 7's are okay atm, they're so cute. today one came up to me and asked me where a room was :') CUTEST VOICE EVER. i miss being her age :'( this year whatever on the bus today was so fucking loud. so i told him to shut up. and he said to me 'why dont you fucking shit up?' i mean wth. i wasnt even talking and shouting so the whole bus wanted me to get off the bloody bus. secondly what a great comeback. get back to preschool and learn some manners jerk.

i want to be bought flowers. and my pencil case is broke, ima have to sew it back together. fml, so much effort!

i got gloves today. also im cold, stupid winter. late summer fete? our school is stupid. GET US DECENT PLANNERS. no-ones gonna be there, i have better things to do on a saturday:L
NIGHT BITCHES.

funny how these are all i do on here now :L

1. Who was your last text from?
karnn

2. Where was your default picture taken
biggin hill, THE TANK. woooo *cheers immaturely*

3. Your relationship status?
iar pretty much

4. Have you ever lost a close friend?
i've drifted from people /:

5. What is your current mood?
pretty kk, in dire need of sleeps

6. How many siblings do you have?
1

7. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
steph

8. Where do you wish you were right now?
exactly where i am, in bed :P

9. Have a crazy side?
oui

10. Ever had a near death experience?
er, not in particular, but i probably have had situations that i could have diedit

11. Something you do a lot?
SLEEP

12. Angry at anyone?
not really

13. What are your plans for today?
well its 22.49 so today only contains another hour and eleven minutes, when i've done this im gonna go bed. exciting!

14. When was the last time you cried?
that stupid beer bottle. yeah then

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
im not sure, i dont dwell on such things

16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
my day, scary things, situations, what i wanna say to people, etc

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
i deleted all my call logs recently, all i have on there is one to glen, but that wasnt me so it doesnt really count

18. What is your favorite song?
you and me - lifehouse

19. What are you doing right now?
this, and talking

20. Who do you trust right now?
my close friends, and my parents

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
its just a random sleepy top from primark

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?
yes,
owain will be annoyed at me D:

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
jakey ;D

24. Describe your life in one word?
annoying

25.Who are you thinking of right now?
my sister, her tv is loud and i need to tell her to stfu cos im going bed soon.

26. What should you be doing right now?
nothing, sleeping?

27. What are you listening to?
im not :( im in bed and didnt take my harddrive

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
karnn

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
er, my dad

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
not really actually, its simpler that way

31. What is your natural hair color?
dark blonde

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
my mother, i got home and she'd randomly brought me this little spongebob ball from morrisons for no reason :') lol

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?
mrs holmes, telling me i was the biggest dissapointment D: badtimes.

34. What do you hear?
my sisters telly :@

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
it depends what mood its in
that sounds weird but it actually does change

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
LOL, scrumptious. surprisingly, no.. :L

37. Do you have a best friend?
a few ;D

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
oui! yeah mrs holmes i am so not a dissapointment, look at my french skills! ;D

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
yes :P

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
yes, more when i was younger than now though

41. Are you happy with life right now?
even when im not i try not to be a misery, there really is no point anyway
but right now im pretty happy with life

42. Are you currently jealous?
of some stuff i'm always jealous, but not specifically right now

43. What jewelery are you currently wearing?
my watch and some earrings, im about to go bed

44. What are you doing on friday night?
friday night was last night, but next friday night is THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGHT OF THE SUMMER WOOOOOOO, i dont have plans D:

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?
i thought so. :( but i dont spend time thinking about how shit i felt back then

46. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
i doubts it

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
er, not really

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
WORST STOMACH CRAMPS EVER. D: horrible times. got some yellow pills, nomnomnonom

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?
i slept little bits, then went to bed properly at 4
and cos we was watching movies and shizzle

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
no

boreddd

Do you think if you died, that the last person you kissed would even care?
i hope so

Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?
yes diljit rung me accidentally on science lol

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an D?
non

Do you have anything that belongs to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
yes


Where did you get that shirt you're wearing?
matt made it for me:P

You just took 15 shots of vodka, what are you doing?
tripping a lot, getting urges to run and roll and jump etc, getting off with random people, then falling asleep in a strange position

Is there a difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you?"
yes!

Do you believe in second chances?
i used too, now im more cautious. but yes.

Do you currently have a hickey?
no. but i have an ulcer on my tongue that hurts :(

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?
possibly, not sure

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
hmm.

Are you an alcoholic?
no.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
not really. only people who do it to everyone lol

Do you want to please everyone?
i try, and fail.

Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
impatience

Do you like beer?
yes

Do you have any tattoos?
i wish :(

When's the next time you will be getting piercings?
when i decide the time to get my belly done is now ;D

Are you wearing shoes right now?
bare foot, pjs

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now?
actually not really , little bit on some people

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings?
sometimes

How long is it until your birthday?
about 10 months

How old is your youngest sibling?
me :( 15

Do you bite your nails?
no, i stopped :) *proud*

How many baby showers have you been to?
none D:

What color is your shirt?
white

Would you rather be single or taken?
depends, single is easier, but taken is nicer.

Do you wear converse?
i dont own any :( someday i'l get round to buying some haha

Where do you want to live?
anywhere where i can have a bigger bedroom!

Have you ever kissed someone that was married?
no, im 15! jeesh

How many times a day do you crack your neck?
never! how do you even do that?

Have you ever painted a room?
wallpapered

Is English your first language?
tis tis

What's better: cookie dough or brownie batter?
brownie batter!

Tell me about the most recent dream you remember?
erm, i cant remember any at this point lol!

Do you go to church?
rarely

Do you like the smell of rubber cement?
no

How late did you stay up last night and why?
like 11? i'd had a 3 hour nap when i got home lol

What woke you up this morning?
phone

Do you wear bracelets?
no

What made you laugh the hardest today?
english :')

Do you play with fire?
when im bored

When did you last feel "not good enough"?
not for a while now :)

What song are you listening to?
chasing cars (live)

When was the last time you danced?
at wills, doing mine and katherines lil gay dances :')

What's the last thing you drew on yourself or someone else?
'i'll move to paris shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars' on my armxD

What's one thing you'd like to know about your future?
am i successful?

If you could, would you look at your future self?
yes!

You get on a bus, do you choose to sit on the left or right?
either, but always with a button right in front

Do you hate it when people play their music too loud?
i get annoyed when they play it without earphones

Can you go a day without thinking about the person that's on your mind now?
no

What ruined your day today?
the tongue ulcer!

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
average:P

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
YES

Are you a jealous person?
yes :/

Have you cried this week at all?
erm, i tried to make myself cry for some perfomance, couldnt :P

Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
i have songs that remind me of people, i can listen to them

Did you sleep alone last night?
yes

Finish the sentence, school...
bores me, but i have art tomorrow ;D

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
yeeees, joe/dan for tv+film, jordan, karnn, niall, people i cant remember, etcetc

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
yes

When's the last time someone told you "someone would be lucky to have you?"
never.

Do you think anyone has you on their mind?
possibly the people i am talking to?

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
yes

Have you ever made out with someone who has tattoos?
*thinks* no

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
kinda

Has anyone ever played you?
yes.

Last restaurant you went to?
burger king with matt! :L and the toilets in bartellas, how erotic

Does anyone have feelings for you?
yes

What would you say if someone asked you out right now?
im guessing no..

What was the last thing you purchased for someone?
i bought katherine food and cinema tickets{:

Will this weekend be a good one?
should be :)

Do you cry often?
more than i used to..

Who was the last person to tell you they love you?
maddie

When is the next time you'll talk on the phone?
erm, whenever i gotta ring someone?

Did you date anyone over the summer?
last summer? yeeeah

Ever deleted someone off of myspace?
yes, random pepole

Would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000?
live? wouldnt it bite me or sometihng? yeah i'd rather live tbh

This time last year, do you remember who you liked?
yes, glen /: how things change

Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you?
not really

How many piercings do you have?
my ears

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
france

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an R, D, G, J?
2/4 of em
congrats to me eh!

When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
let them go if they want to, unhappily

Who are you closest to, mom or dad?
mum

Who would you like to see right now?
erm, jeremy clarkson<3

Do you believe in true love?
no

How many times have you dyed your hair?
0

Is it okay to kiss people when you're in a relationship?
i'd say if you're drunk and its a kissing game or something, but not to go round kissing everyone

Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
yes, *glares*

If you were kicked out of your home, who would you call?
rosie, she'd let me stay :)

hound of the baskervilles

im really not liking this essay. and the fact that my teacher has left for a nice little holiday in france, while leaving, and expecting, us to write the essay by ourselves. and not making that slideshow available.
after going through what we needed to write far too fast to write down, and then when we ask to make the slideshow available to us. you just pretended you didn't hear us. and now i really need it. this essay is hard, and i'm not really sure anything i'm writing is valid. plus, i'm not writing enough. i think i'l be done by 2 pages, and thats really not long enough is it? yet you'll say that, and expect me to make it longer, but not explain what with. its all well and good saying what is the effect of this? i dont know! and there isnt one anyway, the author writes because they write, they dont write every word with analytical meaning. stupid.

when i barely scrape a c in this essay, dont blame me.

im ill, im bored k?

100 Truths! After you've filled this out, tag people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage? wa-ter
2. Last phone call? madison
3. Last text message? 'Lol no the most of a book ive read were the asterix comics, ive seen like half hour of the movie but i feel asleep'
4. Last song you listened to? your love is my drug- ke$ha
5. Last time you cried? when chris threw a beer bottle at my face.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? yupooooo
7. Been cheated on? i believe now
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? YES.
9. Lost someone special? yes
10. Been depressed? yes
11. Been drunk? yes, frequently these days


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. teal
13. green
14. orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends? yuppos
16. Fallen out of love? yes, fortunately
17. Laughed until you cried? all the time. haha
18. Met someone who changed you? yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? i guess, though i knew before
20. Found out someone was talking about you? yes, a few times
21. Kissed anyone on your tagged list? quite a few, oh dear oh dear, note to self; do not kiss people at parties, ever.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? all of them except a few
23. How many kids do you want to have? none+
24. Do you have any pets? fred <3 <3 <3
25. Do you want to change your name? no, how confusing that would be
26. What did you do for your last birthday? went to camer with people
27. What time did you wake up today? 7
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to sleep, fail
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? the end of this.
30. Last time you saw your father? this morning
31. What is 1 thing you wish you could change about your self? theres a lot
32. What are you listening to right now? bring me home - the morning of
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yeaaaaas
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? nothing really
36. Whats your real name? zoe king
38. Zodiac sign? taurus
39. Male or female? female
41. Middle School? new ash green
42. High school? me-o-fam
43. Hair color? dark blonde
44. Long or short? long
45. Height? 5"5
46. Have a crush on someone? crush lol
47. What do you like about yourself ? the tan im working on;D
48. Piercings? ears
49. Tattoos? none
50. Righty or lefty? righty


FIRSTS :
51. First surgery? never
52. First piercing? ears
53. First tattoo? never D:
54. First best friend? rosie{:
55. First sport you joined? netbaaaall
56. First pet? fred:)
57. First vacation remembered? wales
59. First crush? i have no idea haha

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating? feta cheese salad
62. Drinking? wa-ter
63. I'm about to? switch the tab to facebook
64. Listening to? if you wanted a song written about you all you had to do was ask - mayday parade
65. Waiting for? er, nothing

YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? : no
67. Want to get married? depends
68. Careers in mind? design

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes? eyes
70. Hugs or kisses? hugs
71. Shorter or taller? taller
72. Older or Younger? older
73. Romantic or spontaneous? romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms? nice stomach
75. Tattoos or piercings? tattoos
76. Sensitive or loud? sensative
77. Hook-up or relationship? relationship i guess?
78. Trouble maker or hesitant? hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger? kind of
80. Drank hard liquor? no
81. Lost glasses/contacts ? i lost my yellow heart glasses :(
82. Sex on first date? no
83. Broken someone's heart? i doubt it
84. Had your own heart broken? sort of
85. Been arrested? no
86. Turned someone down? yes
87. Cried when someone died? yeah
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? no


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself? no
90. Miracles? no
91. Love at first sight? no
92. Heaven? yes
93. Santa Claus? no
94. Kissing on the first date? no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? no
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? no
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? yes
99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? water.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? meh

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?
i did, the keyboard never worked and i spilt pepsi on the mouse, mybad

Last sporting event you watched on tv or in person?
the football at wills house haha :')

Do you like it when toothpaste bubbles in your mouth?
toothpaste bubbles, wtf, since when?!

Do you believe that the world is gonna end at 2012?
no, rosie explained why to me, and i dont believe it will

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 Player?
100ish?

Have you ever made your own survey?
no :L

Can you swear inside your house?
yes

Have you ever had a pet goldfish?
nope :(

What is the most overrated thing in your opinion?
the jonas brothers

Does being in love make you gain weight?
noooooo, i'd say it makes you lose weight more lol

Dumbest person you know? and why?
watkins :')

Do your parents have home videos of you as a kid?
there are pictures, but not videos

How old is your oldest cousin?
20 something

If you HAD to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
something i'd designed myself, probably on my shoulder, or on my belly (although this is probably a bad idea, stretch much?) so probably my shoulder

Do you think Obama has tried drugs?
probably, at some point

What color is your bra or boxers?
my bras black

Do you have a picture with your middle finger up?
i dont think so

When is the last time you went to a birthday party?
keirans, 5th june {:

Who/what is the best thing to happen to you this year so far?
no idea

How long have you lived in the house you live in?
my whole life, 15 years ish ;D

Do you read a newspaper daily?
no haha

Anything your really afraid of?
loud noises always get me D: thats it really

Do you read tabloids?
no

Have you ever had a really bad haircut?
i dont think so

Do you like your peanut butter crunchy or creamy?
i dont like peanut butter at all

What is the scariest movie you've ever seen?
i have no idea, its strange but one that actually scared me was jeepers creepers 2, which looking back on is lame ;D the human centipede was pretty creepo, and the rest didnt really effect me

Have you ever ridden a skateboard?
yes, im giving up though because i suck badly

Do you drink enough water on a daily basis?
yes, water<3

Would you burn the American flag for a million dollars?
yeah, anyday haha, id be set for life pretty much, all for burning a flag

The main thing you cant leave your house without?
phone, ipod, purse

When was the last time you read a book?
im reading one atm, always have one on the go

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing?
yog last year xD

Do you play pranks on April Fools Day?
if the oppurtunity presents itself hehe

What is on your bed right now?
duvet, pillows, toys, ipod, phone, clothes

When was the last time you threw up?
very close to today, but not since i puked up mucus a while ago

Are you single?
not really

How long have you been together or single?
its complicated to explain, haha

What's your favorite word or phrase?
when im drunk i tell people to fuck off a lot
but i love saying loads of stuff

Name 3 people who made you smile today?
rosie, my mother, karnn

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
laying in bed trying to find a position that stopped the painfulness, then the drugs kicked in hehe

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
talking to people, tagging yog pics

What is your favorite holiday?
i dont have one really/:

Have you ever been to another country?
yesio

What is the last thing you said aloud?
'mister'

What is the best ice cream flavor?
CHOCOLATE FUDGE BROWNIE. <3

What was the last thing you had to drink?
-creepy german accent-
wa-ter.

What are you wearing right now?
denim shorts and yog top

What was the last thing you ate?
pizza and chips, cos im blates healthy

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
ive ordered two tops and a pair of boots, not here yet ¬¬

When was the last time you ran?
yesterdaaaaaaay, i ran away

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
somewhere nice

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
no-idea, i dont go on myspace a lot

Ever go camping?
quite a few times actually, the most recent was okay i guess

Do you have a tan?
i've put a lot of effort in, and i can say im sort of tanned :)

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
bracelets hairties, etc

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
yesssss

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
occasionally, if straws are available :P

What did your last text message say?
'Omg a cow ahhh'
-matt
:')

Are you someone's best friend?
yeprrrrprpr

What are you doing tomorrow?
school, and walktallio's

Where is your mom right now?
downstairs
*mum

Look to your left, what do you see?
the door

What color is your watch?
black and white, it sounds boring but i love it :)

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
kangaroos
'do you wanna buy a kangaroo, or a didgerydoo?'

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
yes, but not the really big ones, they are scary D:

What is your birthstone?
emerald<3

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru?
i've never gone through a drive through haha

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
not on myspace

Do you have a dog?
nope

Last person you talked to on the phone?
t'was maddie, when she walked off randomly

Any plans today?
sims, dinner, bath, bed

Are you happy?
pretty much, except you, *glares at body*

Where are you right now?
in my room

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
being a woman, the general menstrual cycle, cramps

Last song listened to?
levi song-seasick steve+the level devils

Last movie you saw?
the simpsons movie?
or if in the cinema, probably how to train your dragon{:

Are you allergic to anything?
erm, not yet..

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
i dont really wear specific shoes, it varies

Are you jealous of anyone?
many many people

Are you married?
to maddie <3

Is anyone jealous of you?
i doubt it, muchily

Do you eat healthy?
sometimes haha

What do you usually do during the day?
school, sleep

Do you hate anyone right now?
yes.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
obviously, who never says hello?

How many kids do you want when you're older?
i dont want kids tbh

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
16

How did u get one of your scars?
chicken pox¬_¬

updatings on this years aims ;D

so we're about halfway through the year, lets see how im doing.

get some boots (and getting a second pair!(A) )
keep my 'book' up for at least 4 months, if not the whole year. this will never happen, i stopped when i hated glen haha
get a photo album
& get a load of photos developed
read all the house of night books (im pretty close, 2nd to last atm ;D
update my room walls
fill up my sketchpad
see a 3d film (TOY STORY PLEASETH!) (AVATAR. but toy story i will too :D)
have a relationship longer that 6 months
change my hair again
get rechargeable batteries
see owain more, it sucks now he works saturdays :\ (but not enough still)
improve photography (kinda, i dont really need to)
boy shopping, and find many numero onche's ;D
improve art + get a good grade (A)
make jack come shopping with me
get a keyboard
go ice skating
say less stupid stuff
new laptop, [hoping]
be in something official at walktall (pantomime/filming etc)
improve my acting/lying skilllllllz
achieve my end of year 10 targets
have 1000 songs (currently 2120)
get a job
read the jeremy clarkson book (A)
have an ice age marathon
go to rosies and have a home alone marathon :P
more clothes? :P
stay up to date with coursework
make dann healthier. utter fail, hes dead.
lose a bitta weight. again fail, badly.
camp out over summer
go to broadstairs in the summer again :')
get a boots card

cold wind blows

today was very unproductive yet t'was fun anyway. i actually slept quite well, was actually quite comfortable considering i wasnt in my own bed, i slept a good 4 hours {: we had 2 o'clock noms on indian food, which we ate with spoons, and then glen decided to put the action/x-men in erotic positions.. hmmmmm. :L and the rolo;) nomnomnoms.
went back up into the shag pad (which they would not let me clean..and was filthy. gah!) and fell asleep from about 3am to about 7ish? layed for a while, ate some toast + drank some apple juice, then walked into town, and (this is the amazing bit) there was a 489 just driving in! that never happens! especially on a sunday :P which was pretty lucky, i was chuffed. nearly fell asleep on the bus home though :L

after that i cotched most of the day, watched the simpsons movie and had a nice hot long bath, mmmmmmmmmmmm. then went to work, where they worked me really hard. but it was kk :') cos i get monies. and cleaning relaxes me, sorta. but it was a bit repetitive. but i like the smell of cleaning products. its a love thing for meh {:

and here i am now :)
im starting to blog on life more, cos i like doing it. even if no-one else does anymore xD
night all :)
-ps most of my blog names just come from the song name i'l be listening to at the time, cos i cba to think of a name :P

i know where i've been

i've been a week back at school and im already wanting a half term. the weather has been yucky, rain rain rain. i do hate england rather a lot sometimes ¬_¬
but today was a special day in the ol' canteen, which meant i had a burger for lunch. this made me happy, because i like burgers. and the wedgies, oh they were so good.

i've been putting off sorting my wardrobe/wall/shelf/general tidying for a while now, i should get round to doing that i guess. except i cba. last night i did my coursework though. well the editing of it. this weekend i aim to try and improve it around the edges, then print it out in i.t on monday. in the class of poobum, who smells like poo. *glares*

walktall is going well, my character has such good lines :') had a chat with enzo, he says he gave it to me cos he thinks i could pull it off, :L i read between the lines and am thinking its cos im gobby. but hey, i get to tell him to 'grow a pair' anyway, so its all good ;D

tongiht i doubt i am doing anything, tomorrow i was going swimming but then kathi was 'busy' and we are going to go bluewater or something instead. i am not 100% sure. and something with matt possibly sunday, cos everyone else is practising dancing D: or maybe i'l just sleep.

tomorrow is doctor who, i hope its good. also, next years freedom passes are green! this makes me excited, im loving green. or at least it is on the picture. so hopefully it is ;) *crosses fingers*

anyway, im off to not sort out my room and wardrobe, and maybe go and have a nice game of yahtzy.

peace.

its better than being on your side

you're just embaressing yourself.
stop trying to get my involved in your overexaggeration.
and stop assuming things that aren't going on because i won't tell you everything you want to know.
and thats so drastic its unbelievable. they say teenagers are overdramatic, look at that.

hmph.

half termage!

it pleases me there are people like you in the world, it makes it a better place.
:D

today i had two lunches:P i had a plate of pasta which i bought myself then dan didnt eat half of his pizza+chips so i ate that then chris gave me a kitkat. i had such a food baby by then end:P but i had double p.e after so hopefully a little burned off, 'cept i didnt do a lot. well i ran about 200m. i dont like running much :D but me and maddie had a little chat whilst we were waiting for the organisey relay shit, it was good to get all that out.

you did know, im not stupid. but maybe you werent lying? you dont strike me as the dishonest type.. you're a nice'n. however it's not really your fault. i dont mind anyway, lets not drag up the past more than is neccessary here.

hello highly thinker i did not know you thought highly of me. people surprise me all the time nowadays.

my holiday plans for half term :D:D:D
friday/tonight : HUT! matts birthday, better get drawing.. wish it didnt fail.
saturday : expo, need a wig! aaaah
sunday : karnn's dwelling
monday : see my nan xD
tuesday : OWAINS, me hopes. i miss you.
wednesday : fail piss up? possibility i'l go.
thursday : emilys? possibly.
friday : empty!
saturday : keirans party then stay at emily's
sunday : stumble home. :P
monday : SLEEPAGE.

i said to maddie she could come over at some point during half term so i may have her over friday. she wanted to meet fred, apaz glen calls him fat a lot. he is going to get some beatings. *contemplates* :L

my fashionunion order get messed up. not by them but the delivery, its possible the people at the factory thingamy have tampered with it and stolen my clothes D: we got some ugly shoes and plain tops. joy. *sad face*
and i was planning on wearing them this half term.

i think im done.
no-one blogs anymore, yet they want people to blog so they can read? unfairyness :P it is strange, i was looking earlier and in jan+feb i was blogging 20+ times a month, now im doing barely 10. maybe thats a good thing? my blogs sometimes backfire:P oh well.
LATERS!

anyone listening?

well that brought my mood right down/:

although i deserve it.

it felt best?

i miss stuff.

please let it be ok.

somes

100 Truths! After you've filled this out, tag people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage? tango orange
2. Last phone call? will, he rang me to find where we were xD
3. Last text message? tom, telling me his new number
4. Last song you listened to? only one final - owain lewis. one of his first song apaz:D
5. Last time you cried? a while ago.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? indeed.
7. Been cheated on? no
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? oh god, yes. goddamn alcohol :L
9. Lost someone special? yes
10. Been depressed? yes
11. Been drunk? yes ;L


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. teal
13. green
14. orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends? yes, all the time xD
16. Fallen out of love? yes, *proud*
17. Laughed until you cried? regularly :L
18. Met someone who changed you? i have.
19. Found out who your true friends were? i knew already
20. Found out someone was talking about you? yes
21. Kissed anyone on your tagged list? er..yes 8)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? 331, and before you ask, yes of course i know ash ketchum.
23. How many kids do you want to have? none/2
24. Do you have any pets? my beloved fred<3
25. Do you want to change your name? non
26. What did you do for your last birthday? camer, got drunk in a terrible way and couldnt walk
27. What time did you wake up today? 7am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleepin'
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? summer!
30. Last time you saw your father? this morn
31. What is 1 thing you wish you could change about your self? my nose
32. What are you listening to right now? lions and tigers - asobi seksu
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? tom clark amongst some others
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? my tiredness
36. Whats your real name? zoe tamsin king
38. Zodiac sign? taurus
39. Male or female? female
41. Middle School? new ash green primary
42. High school? me o fam
43. Hair colour? dark blonde
44. Long or short? long.
45. Height? 5"5ish
46. Have a crush on someone? ish
47. What do you like about yourself? er, my lips
48. Piercings? ears
49. Tattoos? id like some xD
50. Righty or lefty? right


FIRSTS :
51. First surgery? never
52. First piercing? ears
53. First tattoo? none YET
54. First best friend? rosie ;D
55. First sport you joined? netball
56. First pet? FRED!
57. First vacation remembered? wales
58. First concert? dunno
59. First crush? no idea:L

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating? not
62. Drinking? not
63. I'm about to? sniffle
64. Listening to? hometown glory (high contrast remix) - adele
65. Waiting for? bedtime

YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? no
67. Want to get married? someday
68. Careers in mind? interior designer, magazine editor, not sure yet

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes? eyes
70. Hugs or kisses? hugs
71. Shorter or taller? taller
72. Older or Younger? older
73. Romantic or spontaneous? romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms? stomach
75. Tattoos or piercings? either, just not drastically
76. Sensitive or loud? inbetween
77. Hook-up or relationship? depends on my mood
78. Trouble maker or hesitant? trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger? kinda
80. Drank hard liquor? yeah
81. Lost glasses/contacts? dont wear them
82. Sex on first date? no
83. Broken someone's heart? possibly
84. Had your own heart broken? yes
85. Been arrested? no lol
86. Turned someone down? yeah and i hate the guilt
87. Cried when someone died? yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? yeah, me and my friends are all just lesbians at heart :')


DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself? no
90. Miracles? mo
91. Love at first sight? no
92. Heaven? no
93. Santa Claus? no
94. Kissing on the first date? depends

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? no
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? no
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? if you're happy
99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? free will
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? no ;D

here is gone

you're right. somehow it is about me. how do i do this? spin webs of hurting people i never wanted to hurt?

how did this happen? im digging deep.

now i have to decide.
which will involve panic. and pain.

yay.

effing prom.

awww fuck.
fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

i need people online. badly?
i should have gone to bed then this wouldnt have happened.

person #1; im not going with you, you sort of repulse me. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ANYWAY? oh god. you are a rapist.
person #2; if you are being serious about that i am truly going to hate myself. gaaaaaaaawd. i dont want to go at all! i will look like a fish out of water. and i wont know hardly anyone that i can talk to easily and feel not so selfconscious.
and wearing dresses makes me feel like a blob.
it's not my year, supposed to be year 11!
i would look like a fish out of water, not to mention a bit of an idiot. eurgh. how did this happen? i need to sleep on this.
god i feel like bella, maybe i should travel somewhere a long way away to go shopping. or break my leg. YES!
then i wont be able to go.
but this solution is unpractical. euuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh.

81 out of 132

Key -
(X) = Yes (-)= maybe/sort of/ kinda (0) = No

Level 1
(-) Smoked A Cigarette
(0) Smoked A Cigar
(0) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(X) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 1.5

Level 2
(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Been Dumped
(X) Shoplifted
(X) Been Fired
(0) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4.5

Level 4
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(0) Skipped School
(0) Slept With A Co-worker
(X) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 6.5

Level 5
(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
(0) Been To Paris
(0) Been To Spain
(0) Been On A Plane
(0) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 7.5

Level 6
(0) Eaten Sushi
(0) Been Snowboarding
(X) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook (internet)
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 9.5

Level 7
(0) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(X) Taken Pain Killers
(X) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 13.5

Level 8
(X) Had A Tea Party
(X) Flown A Kite
(X) Built A Sand Castle
(X) Gone mudding (offroading)
(X) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 18.5

Level 9
(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(X) Gone Sledging
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 23.5

Level 10
(X) Watched The Sun Set
(0) Felt An Earthquake
(0) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 24.5

Level 11
(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(0) Been cheated on
(X) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 27.5

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
(0) Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(0) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 29.5

Level 13
(0) Had / Have/need Braces
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(0) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 30.5

Level 14
(X) Hated The Way You Look
(-) Witnessed A Crime
(0) Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(0)Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 33

Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been Lost
(0) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 37

Level 16
(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 42

Level 17
(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(0) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 45

Level 18
(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
(X) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 49

Level 19
(0) Crashed A Party
(0) Have Travelled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(X) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(X) Had A Wish Come True
(0) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 51

Level 20
(0) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
(X) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
(0) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 53

Level 22
(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
(0) Kissed A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 56

Level 23
(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(X) Done / ATTEMPTED A One-Handed Cartwheel
(0) Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours
(0) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 58

Level 24
(X) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
(X) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone--

SO FAR: 62

Level 25
(X) Believed In Ghosts
(0) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(0) Gone Streaking-
(0) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 63

Level 26
(0) Played Chicken
(0) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(X) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(0) Broken A Bone
(X) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 65

Level 27
(0) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
(0) Made A Porn Video
(0) Caught A Butterfly..
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 67

Level 28
(X) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You LOL
(X) Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
(X) French Braided Someones Hair
(0) Gone Skinny Dipping
(0) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(X) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 73

Level 29
(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
(X) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(0) Had A Cavity
(X) Black-Mailed Someone
(X) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 77

Level 31
(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(0) Licked A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 81

Level 32
(0) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
(0) Had sex in the rain
(0) Flattened someones tires
(0) Rode your bike/Driven your car until the fuel light came on
(0) Got five pounds or less worth of fuel

TOTAL: 81

Re-post this with the title I've done 81 Out of a 132 Stupid Things

she wants to be me.

IF SOMEONE ASKS 'ARE YOU OKAY?' YOU SAY:
FACK

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
broken strings

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
better man

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
broccolli

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
boys boys boys
oh yay.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO
i want to hold your hand

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
bonkers

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
sad story

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
a new beginning

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS?
take a bow.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
bad influence
er yeah, SHE'S the bad influence ;) ;) ;)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
dirty little secret

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
22
lol

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
the (after)life of the party

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
flourescent adolescent

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
stay with me

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
just looking

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
changes

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
i get all the girls
;)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
dance lessons

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
a hard day's night

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
she wants to be me

bad people get rocks

i like rocks. they keep me down.

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.
this is bad.
i need to lock in a room and stop socialising.
OH GOD THATS BAD.

maybe the rain was Karma, biting my arse for being a drunk slut. i had fun though so im regretting NOTHING.

fuck it all. im listening to owain, im young and should just have fun. being serious isnt making me happy, so im going to live. make it fun.

ive got a lot pinned on tomorrow. i hope karma and god are behind me.

this will sort out.

just friends?

is it physically impossible to be JUST friends with the opposite sex?

despite everything i know, i still say yes.
im a hypocrite sometimes.
i do it without even realising im doing it, and it still goes on when for sure im not! its why i sympathise strongly with katherine. i understand what shes on about.

worst things when you want to be just friends, oh the guilt.

its why im going to hold onto the ones i know are just friends, because then i dont have to worry and its all just a lot simpler. which is good, simple is good. :D

alright its a jammie dodger but i was told there'd be tea!

so its official. thats quite ironic actually, i pictured it yes, but it's still ironic for me. my wife is going out with my ex. see? pretty ironic from where i'm standing.
tbh i don't care, just the fact that you won't be honest is what annoys me. would have been nice to hear it from the right person tbh. still my friend, you're welcome to him. don't say i didnt warn you. who knows, maybe you'll last, but don't come crying to me when he's him. good luck to you tbh, hope it works out for you because you deserve that. it's possibly he may have changed, i did know him but not now. well i thought i did, but know i don't now. hohum, things change. and when all is said and done, i've still got jeremy clarkson! waheyeheyhey;D

on another subject, i got back from norfolk and up there i had my first nando's. i failed on the subway count, even though i said i would, AND take a picture, i didnt find the subway until too late :( oh well, nando's was good ;D
i also ate bamboo. t'was chewy. AND MY FORTURE COOKIE WAS EMPTY. i'm quite worried about this, i mean; if even my forture cookies empty then what's going on with my life? does this mean i should start looking for meaning and fulfilment or just give up? hmm. oh well, the cookie tasted good anyway. heheheheheehehe.
AND I HAD MY FIRST NICKERBOCKERGLORY. that i remember. and i finished it all ;) i was proud, it was yummy, my family were surprised. well thats a lie, they knew id eat it all. ahaha.

i also got new sunglasses :D i miss my bumblebees & heart ones :( they were the best ever, because no-one else had them. :'( im such an idiot to lose them. but im hoping not too many people will have these. they are from h+m so are bound to not be unique and stuff, but you win some you lose some. i tried to get some that werent too samey, and sam said they looked good:D and i couldnt find an ugly red skirt. i mean jeesh, shops make so many ugly things when i actually need one theres NOTHING? fml. well there was one. but it was size 6. and i dont think i could get that small even if i stopped eating and stuff. and i dont wanna stop eating anyway, bwecause GOD I LOVE FOOD.

i have decided to give up fizzy drinks (unless i'm out). im very unhealthy, and i believe this is a step in the right direction.

DOCTOR WHO:D
<3
yes alright it's a jammie dodger but i was told there would be tea! god love that show.

i have lost about 3 years worth of pictures and music. my harddrive broke /:my dads going to get me another one sometime this week, but its not really about the harddrive. more what was on it. no-one else had some of them pictures, and ALL MY STOCKS AND TEXTURES. thats so many hours worth of collecting, cropping, magic wanding, searching.

i've done 2/3 of my essay, but frankly i cbb. i think whati've done is okay, and ima do it spread over the next 4 days. i'l be happy with whatever i get so long as it is c and above. hopefully a b. thats what i normally get in english {: plus mr crosdale is a pooface; 3 mymaths homeworks all on stuff we haven't done? sheesh, n00b. school tomorrow, ifi wake up. AND NO ROSIE. monday is rosie day! :'( and shes not gonna be here. damned volcano /:

time away did good, or bad depending on how i look at it. i still don't know if i should have done what i did, or whether i should have acted on what i did do. but im thinking its gonna be fine.

i don't judge you, but tbh you need to sort yourself out. its not your fault granted, but still. mmmmmmmm.

out.

kick in the balls

well thats stupid. i can see pretty clearly thats not love, and saying it isnt going to make it so. i think you're stupid. what a stupid thing to say. you just dont want to because you're afraid of reactions, yes reactions and consequences. if you loved that much, it wouldnt matter. lies dont make anything better in the long run. and you're just going to be an arsehole again. its not deserved, so stop it. respect the fragileness. its viewable. all the x's in the world aren't going to make you last, it'll just go the same way. people realise in the end, it just takes a while. i have pity tbh. and empathy. i'l kill you. seriously. i dont know how you do it, but somehow you do. you dont deserve all the stuff you get. but you get it anyway. god works in mysterious ways i guess. so do the stars.

on the brighter side i had a good day today :D chatroulette was actually so funny :') except the willies. people can be sickos. :L

on a final note i've made a new pledge, i made this blog so i could rant about stuff and throw out my emotions, and thats not going to work if i rant and throw, then people ask me about it and i have to explain them. that defeats the whole object. so if people ask me im not going to explain, im keeping mystery. not because i like secrets, but because how can i rant and throw freely and utterly if i have to tell people who or what im ranting about? bear in mind. thanks dudes :D

because little chihauhau's are ridiculously cute

hmm. havent blogged in a while.

i love walktall. i love everyone there. (L) :D:D:D:D

BUT
some people need to open their minds. and also some people need to not assume i like them. youre not very good at reading body signals are you? hmm. grem.
also they way im practically falling asleep in science and maths, then when i should be wanting to sleep at times like now, not tired? hohum.
my teeth feel lucky.

i didnt get indian food tonight. damn you mother, making dad change his mind. but now he owes me one cos he said 'next week'. and 'we'll see' which means she'll have forgotten about it by then so its okay (H) but i wont. i will remind him, muahaha ;D

now im just waiting i guess. for something, someone, to come along. i dont know who yet, but im sure they will. someday. if i live til im old (:|) i've got 80 odd years for that. so screw it, im living life. and i promised, id cram in as much shit as possible. i may not owe that promise, but im keeping it anyway.

anywhoo, im off to clean my teeth, pack my shiz for tomorrow (ART:D:D:D) check my deviant, and then finish watching desperate housewives series 2 episode 1. MY GOD. its all weird. and messed up. :'( damnit. SORT YOURSELVES OUT. secrets are bad guys, sort it {:

today i went to morrisons

so i got up early this morn, and looked rather like a zombie. i went to bed last night about one, even though i didnt watch sport relief and now everyones saying stuff about it and im like I DIDNT WATCH IT :'(:'(:'( however, im gonna youtube some stuff, like the moyles part, and russell brands part (i like russell brand, mmmmmmmhmm) and james cordens. because i love him, hes hilarious:) SMITHY!<3
anyways, i went to morrisons with my mummy, and got a memory card. also i got some heat protection spray(vo5), the shockwaves hairspray rosie always talks about and some cheap mousse. BUT, to top it all off, i found DARK CHOCOLATE MICADO. yes. the best invention in the world i believe. my god. but anyway, my room is covered in all the crap i bought, (+ sugar, which had a puck poster in this month! mmmhmmmm<3<3<3) and i need to sort all that out me thinks.
i watched skins (dont read if you havent watched it yet, i dont want people angry at me), HOLY CRAP. freddie:'( nonono! eurgh im in mourning for sho'. but i love cooke. he looked fit in this episode, and i hope he killed that creepy physiatrist good n'proper like. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. if that guy kills cooke then ima complain to skins. no not reallyhaha. but my point still stands. :L their are skins auditions next month, id audition if i was old enough. i know i wouldnt get in anyway cos im not an amazing actor like most of em but it'd be nice to try. damn my birthdate. *sigh*

now i need to watch the glee i missed, forest gump, and two episodes of cleveland show. i love how they puke on the cleveland show :') it makes me laugh. laugh laugh laugh laugh.

next, ANOTHER rpatz poster in my sugar? this is ridiculous. they've now given me three. practically in a row. its ridiculous. there are other celebrities out there? and im kinda sick of taylor lautner now as well. i mean, hes fit. but id like a variety of posters please. not just taylor lautner and robert pattinson.

but i remember dear john is coming out, and nanny mcphee. id like to see them. did anyone else know channing tatum is married to the girl in step up he acted with? i didnt. JEALOUS. he is one hot tomato.

right, i need to stop writing, get onto sorting my crap out, and then playing some sims. im hooked again, ahaha.

OVER AND OUT EARTHLINGS. x

i am the happies bean in the history of beans

today was the best day in a while, i knew it would be as soon as i woke up.

i woke up at 6, properly awake, then kind of drifted in and out for the next hour, then at 7 i was up and out of bed like speedy gonzales. sitting in the canteen with rosie+kat, i was laughing like hysterically, laughter is amazing. happyhappy. monday lessons are easy, and i wasnt tired so another good thing. :D apart from rosie being ill, which was bad obvs. assembly was boring but i drifted off into zoeworld throughout it. :P then art was good, randomly painting my book. + a weight sort of feels off my chest after today, quite a few weights actually, which im happy about. no-one likes weights :P

i want my dad to hurry home! i love my daddio, i think hes buying me a new laptop :D im so happy about that, i can sim again! and he's buying me the camera for my birthday, and the laptop for my birthday now as well, its so lovely. hes all generous :D but this is meaning i cant do expensive stuff for my birthday, which is fair fair. so i may just do camer again? not sure about that.

im in such a good mood. as soon as i woke up i knew today would be good, it did not dissapoint {: happyhappyhappy. im gonna lavish in this, cos another problems gonna come along soon as they always do. but for now its all good, so i will enjoy it while it lasts.

to rosie+kathi, get well soon homies!

had

everything. deserved? possibly. good karma? probably not. happy times. lost. things change. stuff changes. times change. people change. bad karma? maybe. deserved? no. not that much. you? ungrateful. so nice, hiding. pretty skank. slut. but friendly. so likeable. deserving? yes. everything received, yes. dirty treatments. fighting, not good. arguments, not good. resolved? no. questions? too many. not enough aloud. open person, closed person. no-one's perfect. we strive anyway. acceptable? no, you deserve what you get. everything? pain, hurt, goodbye. selfish. wrongdoings, really. seeing wrong, doing wrong, acting wrong. wrong.

you think you know so much. you know a lot but still very little. im not stupid. no matter what everyone thinks. im not. i have a brain. it wont be deserved, no.

desperate housewives; <3 i love angie, her accent is amaaaazing. i love her character, though i do think its kind of a fill in on evie. who was just a great character, love to hate. angie is basically an evie replacement. but i still like her. her hair and her accent, yummyyummyum.

had a nap earlier, woke up about 7. now im not tired, and will probably sit in bed reading for ages. dont knock it, just when im tired tomorrow it will be a regret. but it was worth it, i was rather tired. dinner, yummy. spaghetti and meatballs; goodstuff. english tomorrow, draaaaaag. pe, basketball? i think, its meh. worst, double science, iaa. eurgh, fail at that. got it all wrong in the lesson, yeast smells. sorry, but it does. im not squeamish and can get past it but its not pleasant.

nightnightnightnightnightx

hello

walktall was on tour (N) which made my tuesdays night draaaaaag, cos normally on this night i'd be there having fun :D but nope. ah well, art tomorrow @@ although ive kind of come to a standstill in art, its still always fun. even if ive found myself lost in it. oh well :P

also i think my camera is broken :( damn, my parents wont be happy bunnies. maybe i'l ask for one for my birthday, which is less than two months now ;D woo{:im really back into incense sticks atm, they make the room feel all warm and yummy.

aand shameless. im working my through them, im still on the first series but im loving it haha. its good. different. and the guy whos the dad, frank i think it is, well he is an amazing actor. seriously.

i am thirsty. sigh.

i am reading chosen, its good. my god. loren is a bit of an arsehole, i thought he was nice! but jeez zoey, i know you're a fictional character but you sure know how to mess up. i thought i was bad! woaa. :L but still, makes the book interesting, im addicted bei! haha.

im done.
x

do you really want to be forever young?

i saw what bonnie put.

I want to be who I used to be.
I want to live how I use to live.
I want to have who I used to have.

i totally agree so badly. why did everything have to change? karma bites ass. people change, situations change but why can't the things you want to stay the same, well, stay the same? lifes a bitch for sure. when one door closes another one opens but what if the door didnt want to close? does it have to close so the other one gets a chance, or could it not stay open, the door to the path of the stuff that should have stayed the same? eggs have broken, omelettes are being made surely, but how long until i get to taste the eggy goodness? i want what i had then, now, and at the same time what i've got now. its all so confusing. bonnie's right ;D i want to be back young again, before everything got complicated. lifes not simple anymore. i want it to be. but that doors closed. to open the one to being grown up and mature, and learning, but i want to shut that for now and reopen the other one, but thats not possible because these doors are hypothetical and not actually closable or openable. hmm. too much changes in the process of growing up. change is good they say, but really, is it? if what was there before was good enough why does change have to come along and open doors that i never wanted opened?

oh you pooface stp blaming me like its my fault, you like blaming. nothings ever your fault eh slag? i havent eaten that much so the foood is there, right in front of your eyes. but no, everything for you has to be jumping up going 'HEY IM HERE!' for you to even notice it, let alone observe it. for once look for yourself. like the rest of us have to.

im ranting about silly little things now but im in that kind of mood.

am really looking forward to tomorrow ;D but the cd went weird so now ive gotta redo that, and ive still gotta revise, i should be tired by now. but im not. i need to go to bed so im bright and early for the exam, but i know if i gob ed now i'l just be lying there until im tired anyway. however i am thirsty and may go and microwave some milk, apparently thats good for helping you sleep. i did my nails with these little gem things, i cant figure out if they look okay or not.

tomorrow after school is gonna be busy busy, get home about quarter to 4, shower, out the shower by quarter past, washing up, 4.25, get ready, pack stuff, go. i better make it on time. must remember the bus is at 1753. so after a shower i gots about an hour and a half to squeeze everything in. BUT NO MORE REVISION. by then the test will be done, failed or not. sigh.

i tidied a bit today. i got rid of quite a lot of stuff which i am happy about. my shelf looks better now. but im not getting rid of clothes. i love all my clothes. and what happens when the fashions repeat themselves? yes, you didnt think of that did you? muahahahahahah?!

and they'll be sun sun sun, all over our bodies

today the sun came out :') its been so long! i want summer please? i feel like ive been a vampire for about 4 months and i want summer so i can wear summer clothes:P

i am going to clear out my room. i need to get rid of some stuff for sure, just gotta decide what now ;D tomorrow i have a science exam :| but then katarinas birthday! man i am looking forward to that, been looking forward to it all week.

generally today was a good day :D
x

arse

its none of your business what im doing. i dont know where you get your information from or whatever but who are you to judge my actions? not only do you have no idea what youre talking about but you also have no right to jump to conclusions. im none of your business now, so fuck off, thanks.

secondly that is a huge relief. thank god. i feel like a weight has been completely lifted off my shoulders and now i dont have so many problems bombarding me at once. phew.

i did some revision tonight, im starting to feel a tiny bit confident about this test which is good :D tomorrow i have walktall which always makes me happy so im looking forward to that {:

currants

had a rather good day {:
went to the bus stop at the wrong time (well done zoe, really), cos i lokoed at the 489 page by accident, :P so got the 489 to gravesend then it was raining and the route planner thingy wouldnt work because of the stupid rain. and then my umbrella broke, :( but finally we got on the sort of right bus (wrong because we shouldnt have had to get it in the first place, right cos it actually got us where we were wanting to go). then got off at 'dovedale' WHICH WAS RIGHT. and saw owain, and had to concentrate really hard whilst walking because otherwise my texting would have gone weird, dear oh dear.
spent the day revising, playing sonic, getting tickled and sat on and talking. and eating pizza, the pizza had this garlic and herb dip thing for the crusts, which had a nice aftertaste. the pizza was yummy. but kathi kept trying to steal the wedges, which got the 'i hate the way girls try and steal your food' rant out of owain. BUT id never go on a date and order a garden salad. i mean how boring. maybe im just a fatty, haha. also did a spot of revising. which went okay, in a kept getting sidetracked kinda way.. my mind is now full of penis and hats and jak peters drink patterns instead of science. oh dear. i didnt know jak+jess were gonna be there but it was good, jak makes me laugh because of his dumbness :') 'you cu[rra]nt.' :L and after a while i was so used to the smell of fagsmoke i could hardly smell it , not sure whether thats a good or bad thing.. hmm.. but when i got home i believe i smelt horribly of it, every so often id get a wave of the smell, and be like, woa is that me?!
haha :')

decoy

i wish there was just a button in life that you could press and everything would just stop.
sometimes everything thats going on doesnt feel like it actually is, like there is is somebody else who all these problems belong to, and that if i think about something else all the problems will be gone when my mind wanders back. i wish it were so. why cant i be sorted, why is my brain such a snob to please. goddamn this world, let me sort out ? im fussy, and stubborn, and get easily locked on, and forgetting is hard.

why am i so mean? lets dig deeper and deeper then the hole is so big i have to cut in steps to climb out, cutting in the edges.

so many questions, i do not know any of the answers any more. i wish it were like maths, one definite answer, then if theres a remainder just make it a decimal point then everything is one big happy number.

although i did have a rather good day today {: i can never be unhappy when subway is around! haha.

im really looking forward to going to owains tomorrow, can just forget about all the things that are frazzling my poor little brain right now. then next weekend is katarinas birthday ^_^ which im really looking forward to, should be amazing.

actually thank god its friday. im so tired i might get into bed and have a little nap! :')

i got a bitta beatles jamming in the background, yesyes! my side also has an itch, so im going to scrath that.

now thats all nice and scratched i am going to town tomorrow, eating subway bei ;D nomnomnom, then owains sunday, again, nomnomnom. i have NO homework this weekend, but im still gonna cram in some science revision, cos i dont wanna fail. then again, who does?

shes gotta a ticket to ri-hi-ide, but she dont care :D

mmmm, gotta love it.

im off for a bitta 8 out of 10 cats on 4od then some naptime. :') oh i feel like a little kid! xD
x

right

i cant shake off the feeling that im doing this to make everyone else happy.

i miss the butterflies the most. they've left. feels wrong without them.
life isnt fair, thats for sure.
hmmm
aimee divorced me! i actually cant believe her, bitch! :'(

thats about it? :P

a blog of random thoughts that came to me

today is tuesday, which means i should have gone to walktall, but they are on tour so i could not :( which is crappy. tomorrow however is wednesday which means i have art, which is funfunfun! rosie is ill though, she better be in tomorrow or for reasons i discussed with her i may find myself pouncing on a pidgeon and raping it. muauahaha!
i still have maths homework to do, but i ended up giving both english courseworks in because i couldnt decide (N) damn.

i had these chinese chicken ribs for dinner, they were really yummy! but not im hungry again, i think the craving is for country crisp. or yoghurt. im not sure yet..
what i thinki might do is go down and make tomorrows lunch + pack my schoolbag, then grab myself a bowl of country crisp AND a yoghurt (thats right, im feling greedy ;D) then come back up here and find me something on iplayer, or 40d, on itv player. so much choice! im really into the take me out's atm, they are funny :P i feel sorry for that rian girl tho (N) shes there 8 weeks and doesnt get chosen once! aww.
my maths homework is still not done but i will do it. i had double maths today and we were doing multiplying and stuff, usually i get this. easy peasy, i can do all that in my head. but today it was all gone. i wanted to cry it was so frustrating. it was like over this half term all my knowledge that was making people think i had a 'talent for maths' had just run out of my brain. it was horrible. hopefully it was just because i was tired etc, hopefully it will come back to me soon because i hate the feeling of feeling stupid. especially when in know its there, its just not working properly. yuckyuckyuck.
its funny how when stuff happens people come flooding back into your life. like they see the opening because im open and just creep in and act like theres been no gap in the speaking. just cos i got messed about doesnt mean that i ant to talk to you more than i did before. i dont mean go away, ts nice. just there is a thin line between chatting and being annoying..
ive also gained quite a few people recently which i never thought would happen. people i like talking to. they are cool (H)

i am wearing new pajamas. they have frogs on. but recently i spoke to kathi and apparently she has never slept naked. although sleeping naked is cotch, it is far too cold for that atm, wait for summer. HURRY UP SUMMER. im getting bored of having to wear loadsa layers :( and im also supposed to be going camping with some peoples this weekend, which i was looking forward to; its going to rain. why spoil my life god? why?! it would have been so fun :[

anyway, i must skedaddle because i need to sort my stuff for toorrow and make lunch etc, its 9.27 which means ive got about an hour until i need to sleep, possibly less. if i work carefully, this enough for sorting, packing, then eating whilst watching take me out, or maybe something else. :D
LATERS GUYS

matts house + broadditch + being muggle.

i have a headache. and mher, that.

i feel hungover but i havent even drunk anything :[ so i think its an early night tonight, hoping it will sleep off.

today was very good though, went to matts, then walked through a load of fields to a duckpond, then went and got chips and tapwater. mm, tapwater, yum. then fed ducks {:

then walking back to matts, his house is amaze! so nice (L) we watched inbetweeners and i got amazed by the ice machine in his fridge. it wasnt that amazing, but id never used one before :L frank was the same though, kept asking
'anyone want an ice cube?' and millie, the cutest dog i've pretty much ever seen. aww.

i haven't played hide and seek in about 5 years? but we played it today. i hid the best in one game. me and frank hid together, but me sort of further behind him so they couldnt see me? then they found frank, who led them away from where i/we were. because rosie+frank knew what was going on + where i was, but we kept moving me around so matt was like; 'where is she?!' :') couldnt stop laughing.

had a rather good day.
but my headache now.
:'(
i wanna go to the harry potter theme park.
if only i werent a stupid muggle.
oh well.
x

i likey likey likey

i found this on another blog. i liked it. i wanted it somewhere i could find easily.

Though years have passed,
I love you still.
The sun, the moon,
the universe, was ours.
Yet all that remains
is a blanket of stars
shaped like an arrow
through my soul.

help?!

here is the situation. these are my gothic courseworks. i didnt like the first one much when i reread it, so i wrote another one. now i cannot chose. good readers of this blog, tell me which one you prefer. if you can be bothered to read all this. aha.

I have been walking just about three minutes now, and already I am completely bored. The beach is desolate and grim, the dog my mum still hadn’t decided on a name for wasn’t looking entertained anyway, but most of all it was beginning to rain. It bothers me the dog has no name; everything should have a name. I used to love the way my mum was ditzy, it made me feel powerful, but it plainly just annoyed me now. Nothing had been done since we had moved to the ‘beautiful’ area I was stuck in now. We had been living there almost a month now, and there were still about a hundred boxes dotted all over the house. She was at home all day, surely unpacking one or two couldn’t hurt? But she just sat and watched TV these days.
Then again, I must say she was better than my ‘dad’. She makes me call him that now they are married. Personally I despise it, he is not my dad, he is never even there to be a dad anyway. She is always in, he is always out. That is how it works now.
I hate beaches. Apparently, we are incredibly lucky to have been able to move somewhere with such an amazing asset right next to it. It is also supposed to be summer, I had even worn my favourite green dress in the hope of sunshine, but in typical English style the weather was rubbish. It annoys me the way the dog is just trundling along beside me, I mean, dogs are supposed to be happy when you take them to the beach? In all the movies they run around everywhere, jump in the sea and come out smelling of wet dog and shaking water everywhere. Alas, my dog is looking as bored as hell.
The sand is beginning to feel solid and uncomfortable beneath my feet and the instinct that comes with rain, to find shelter, flashes through me. The impulse struck me as strange, I like rain. I always stay out in it, everyone went inside and complained they were cold whilst I would walk around outside, absorbed in the splashes of water against my skin and the isolation the rain brought through. Talking of which, this beach is as empty as a crisp bag blowing down the street, well, except for myself and an old couple carrying umbrellas. I watch them hastily retreating up the steps on the far side of the beach. They look quite funny in a way, in proper summer bathing suits. running away in the heavying downpour; their umbrellas constantly turning inside out as the wind hit them in brick loads.
The sky definitely has the grey shade of an elephant now and the rain began running faster from the sky. Each droplet hits my nose and cheeks and with each one I feel the cold stab of the icy water. So when the impulse hits me again, this time I glance around for a shelter. Joy. There is none. The old couple have disappeared from sight now, and my eyes set on the moon that has broken through the clouds in the sky.
Holding my bag above my head, I begin a fast paced jog along the beach in search of something to hold out the wind, rain, and, the cold, which I suddenly am aware was creeping around me and bringing up ghost pimples on my skin. The tide washes around my feet as it moves further and further up the shore and the stab of ice cold English sea around my feet make them numb with cold. I can not remember where the dog is anymore. It could find its own way home for sure, and I am beginning to shiver as the rain seeps through my thin clothes and caressed my bare skin underneath them.
I barely notice I have come to the end of the shore until I almost ran right into the cliff face. The rain is still unbearably heavy, and I still have not found shelter. Beginning to feel desperate, I run up the beach parallel to the cliff face until my legs enter into a small hole in the wall of the cliff. It looks extremely uninviting, and I had never actually seen a cave before, (was this even a cave?) Nevertheless, my brain tells me it does not matter, just get out; get warm and get dry. So breathing in, I pace into the pitch black of the hole in the face of the cliff. I sense something tear as I duck down to get into the cave, and then feel my dress strap drift downwards. I do not care.
The first thing that strikes me as I round the corner of the passage is the brightness. I expected pitch black, at best glimmers of light, but I can see easily all around me.
I slow my pace so my feet are barely shuffling, and take in my surroundings. If this is a cave, it is ifascinating to look at.
A faint echo of thunder claps behind me, but my ears barely feel it. The cave has me totally engrossed, every tiny detail of it. Everything about it is entrancing, the faint glow emanating from nowhere in particular, the stalactites hanging as bats from the ceiling, the miniscule cracks that dot everywhere like raindrops, even the rough feel of my palms as they brace lightly against the wall.
My feet begin to continue walking at a normal pace again. I like the way every step I take gives an echo that bounces forward and backwards around the cave like footballs, bounce, bounce, bounce. And then there is the constant dropping from the stalactites as the torrents of rain from outside slowly begin merging downwards to meet me again. So many sounds to this silence.
And then, all of a sudden, it is silent. Completely silent. The dripping has stopped. My feet are not echoing. Sounds of nothing swirl around me, covering my rooted body in an invisible mist of nothing. the cave was no longer beautiful. I no longer find the silence reassuring. But the fact that I turn around and see nothing familiar whichever way I look is the one thing that crushes my brain the most.
And it is at this moment I miss everything. Even the things I hate. What I would give to be back with my stupid boring dog, my ditzy annoying mother and my stupid workaholic ’dad’. I am wishing so hard, for a moment I find myself back at home, surrounded by boxes and the smell of paint. Then my eyes flicker back open and I am back in this cave, lost in a wilderness of an unknown, isolated nightmare.
I find myself walking forwards again, but shakily this time. The cave is still terrifying as before, and I still have no sense of where to go. So I walk to nowhere in particular. After all, being more lost than I am right now is pretty impossible. Up ahead of me is a brightness that seems different to the glows that radiate of every other surface of the cave. This glow feels inviting, almost eerie in the way it so badly attracts me towards it. My feet walk towards it, speeding up the whole time, but it feels so completely right I keep them going.
A few meters away from the light I find my feet slowing down to an average walk. The cave all around me is brighter, thanks to this new found unknown source of light. It looks almost as beautiful as before, the walls that surround me are the kind of grey you find on a school skirt, and as I breath in the air, I feel the cool refreshing smell of moss. It relaxes my heartbeat to; I almost feel calm again.
The few last steps towards the light are the slowest I believe I have ever taken. As I walk into it I find myself in a mist of fog. A fog the colour of snow; not the grey mouldy type you find in backstreets, but the white of fresh untouched snow. It smells of bleach and something else I ca not place, something tangy and familiar.
Walking further into the mist I find myself feeling a bit light headed, as if I was nauseas, though I feel completely fine. I feel completely happy, completely relaxed, completely normal. The mist swirls and flows around me, a whirlpool. Somewhere further into this fog of snow, I begin to see the outline of something. It sticks up out of the floor with the power and edge of a lion, it does nothing yet you are totally in awe of it. Walking towards it, my head feels lighter, my pace becomes faster and the mist dances quicker.
It is, as one thing like a giant stone plate. It sticks out the floor getting wider and wider until it has formed a bowl, a huge bowl, about two meters in diameter. Completely made of stone, pumice I think. It feels rough under my fingers, and files some of my skin off as I run my fingers along it. Around the edges it is chipped quite a few times, some look like they had been cut out by a dagger or a knife, and some look like teeth marks. This probably should scare me, something having teeth strong enough to mark stone, but it clicked in my mind that mist had probably made me a bit inebriated, so the thought means nothing to me. I am still utterly content in this cave, this beautiful cave. My eyes run further along and around the bowl.
They focus around the centre, where I notice a set of drawings, long, forgotten and aged. How strange, the feeling I am the first here in centuries. Finding myself examining the drawings more closely, they show a story. The first one shows a girl, a girl with long brunette hair. Her clothes are shabby and cut but faintly show the traces of an emerald green dress with pale skin underneath. She wears ripped up shoes that are barely on anymore. Next to her is a small dog with long floppy ears and short beige fur. A little sausage dog. The dog had a little black spot on its side, just like mine. That brought up something in my brain, I had completely forgotten about my dog. I hope desperately he has got home, or was safe, or just something positive. Dodging the thought he might not be in my eye, I turn my eyes to the second drawing.
There is lots of rain, streaming down in torrents, and the girl in the green dress and torn up shoes was running in it. She holds a beige bag over her head, and her brown hair has gone coal black from the rain. There is a sunshine yellow lightning bolt stuck behind her. On her face she wears a slightly annoyed, slightly distressed expression.
Wandering my eyes to the next one, I see a cave. The entrance is dark and black, and the girl looks relieved. Her hair is sticking up, and one of the straps of her dress is torn and dangles down. My eyes glimpse down towards my dress strap, the ripped one. The ripped green strap of my dress.
Slightly exasperated and hoping it is nothing, I move my eyes to the fourth drawing. The background is completely black except for a white, messily drawn scribbles along the bottom. Faintly in them you could see a patch of green, a trace of brown, and a flash of red.
The fifth drawing shows just the girl in the green dress standing in front of a bowl, the exact same shape of the one I am looking into now. The view was taken from the back of the girl, all you see is her hair; you do not witness her face. My mind is jumping everywhere at this point, this girl is wearing what I am and has the same story as I have. Before I turn to the sixth and last drawing I turn around. Just to make sure. There is no-one, just the white mist. The smell of moss still flares around inside my nostrils, and I turn my eyes slowly and cautiously to the sixth, and last drawing.
You can see the top of the girls’ head, but the main focus of the drawing is the centre of the stone bowl. I blink slowly, then move my head of to the centre of the stone bowl.
My mind goes frantic and I have no idea what to do. In the centre of a bowl is, that. Clean, fresh shiny silver. And all of a sudden I know what the tangy familiar but unknown smell and the flash of red were.
I run. There was nothing else to do. Every sense of direction is lost to me. Up, down, left, right, gone. Run. Faster. Faster. Keep going. Run. Don‘t stop now. It felt like planes had been stuck to my feet. They were non-stop moving. Running. Faster. Keep going. Keep running. Forever.
Stop.
------------------------------------------
and number two!
I had never really thought about how I would die, or where and when. Until now there had been no reason for me to consider the concept of the one inevitable thing in life, death. We spend the whole of our lives wishing for more, yet when we face losing what we do have, we fight so hard to keep it.
Terrified as I am, I can not bring myself to regret everything. Being here, now I can not repent. I look up slowly towards my death and embrace its cold heartless touch.
* * *
My mothers front door is locked. This means one of two things; she is in her photography studio taking refuge in the creativity and solitude, or there is something wrong. My mother rarely locks her door, she sees little point in trying to keep people out. As a child I had never questioned this, it was just normality. I fumble in my pocket for my key and groan as I hear them jangle on the bitter slabs beneath me. In the dense blackness I can not see where they have fallen; I crouch down to pick them up. All I need is a small glimmer of light but there is none. No doors are open, no lights in windows open, nobody with a torch - it is far too early. Out of the corner of my straining eyes I see a shadow pass over the house, then another, then another. Turning around to see what is producing them; I see nothing. Just continuous darkness. What was there is either gone, or was never there in the first place. Is my mind playing tricks on me? The feeling I am being watched will not leave my side, and the heavy night seems to tighten around my frozen body. Slowly I go back to hunting for my keys. Suddenly the door in front me looks so much taller and more daunting. Staggering backwards to try and get away from my home, I hear the jangling of my keys beneath my lumbering feet. Like a flash, I stoop down to grab them then straight back up to standing. It feels silly, but everything feels scarier at night. I repeatedly tell myself this as with shivering hands I attempt to unlock the door. It swings open, and I am hit in the face with the deafening silence of the hallway. Suddenly I realise how long it has been since I have visited this house, the walls have been repainted to an icy blue, the carpet is gone, replaced with a smooth polished linoleum. It no longer feels like my home. The hallway light is not on, but fading light emanates from the kitchen. It looks gloomy, and feels empty. Stepping inside I feel no homely warmth, the air is heavy with tension. The walls are still covered with photos of me as a child, growing up, her and my father, but still numerous amounts of her photography grace the walls. I find myself smiling at a photo of myself about five years old, standing proud in my bright red school uniform on my first day. Leaving the photo, I walk briskly forwards and feel a wave of nausea as a shiver sprints down my spine.
‘Mum?’ no reply. The atmosphere shifts slightly, even colder now. I pace hastily forwards toward the back of the house, toward the kitchen. I stop as I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I open the text from my mother; ‘Hurry.’ Still no explanation. Still no reasoning as to why she has called my down here at no notice. Shoving the phone back in my pocket, I turn the corner and see my mother lying dead on the kitchen floor.
I freeze. I open my mouth but do not scream. I feel my bag drop out of my hands then I hear the thud as it hits the floor. The world around me goes thick with the sound of my own blood pounding in my throat. I take two staggering steps toward her. Her throat is savaged, her tongue lulls and the kitchen air holds the unmistakable stench of death. There is a silver gleam of wire wrapped around her blood spattered neck.
An empty kitchen-table chair stands next to her, as if she may have been sitting on it before she died. A low moan escapes from my dry throat, and I crash down next to my mothers body. Brushing a tangle of her greying hair away from my face, her eyes are revealed. They are wide and swollen, unseeing. I brush my hand on her pale cheek, her skin is still warm.
I stand back up. A wave of dizziness buckles my shaky legs. The police. I have to call the police. I stagger around her body to the kitchen counter, where her breakfast still sits; a half full coffee cup and the leftover crumbs of her toast. I reach past this toward the slender white phone, my hands shaking violently. I punch in the three best known numbers and hold the phone to my ear.
Metal hammers brutally into the back of my head. The phone slides out my hand and crashes onto the stone floor, and I drop down with it. My teeth bite into my tongue and I taste the tang of blood. I shut my heavy eyelids and crumple into the darkness.
I feel a gun press coolly against the back of my head. The perfect circle of its barrel pushes on my scalp. I rope is looped around my neck and I feel the burn as it is tightens. Jerking away from it, I feel the gun crack against my temple, and a strong male voice speaks from above me.
‘Be still.’ immediately I tense my body and try to sit up. I feel a powerful arm push me back down.
‘Or you’re dead.’ They pick up my bag from the edge of the kitchen, a robbery. I stop myself saying anything just in time, and hear the rustle of them rummaging around in my bag; my computer, my camera, my laptop. I hear the sound of my laptop turning on, louder than my own ragged breathing. Then a few long seconds of silence, fingers tapping on a keyboard. I want to ask what they want, what they are doing here, with me, why they killed my mother, but I can not. Fear of what the consequences of this action stop me.
The gun pushes me further forward so I am almost touching my mothers dead jaw. I can smell her blood fiercely burning my nostrils. I want to turn round and see my captivators faces, but this is an impossibility. The noose around my neck tightens around my neck, pulling savagely into my throat, and I feel my pulse pushing against it.
Behind me I hear them whispering, and I strain my ears to try and hear. As if I am being punished for ear wigging, the rope tightens again, and I writhe around trying to grasp some oxygen. There is none.
‘You took breathing for granted, didn’t you now sunshine?’ This mans voice is new, different to the previous ones. It crosses my mind when they could have switched places without my noticing. He loosens the rope just enough for me to breathe, and I gasp it in. Flooding myself in oxygen, I feel my lungs thank the cold air. Disgust at my weakness radiates from the man above me. His shadow folds over me, and I cower underneath his power. It is a cold shadow, and I let the darkness steal me in.
* * *
I wake to the sound of my phone screaming at me. Something is wrong, no-one who knows me would ever call me this early. I open my eyes to stare up to the cobweb ridden ceiling. Stained with festering rings of mould it was not a pleasant site and only made me wish I’d spent extra on the hotel. There was no questioning what could have happened in this room; murder, crime, anything. I did not want to think about it. Turning away from the ceiling I grab around until my hand finds the phone.
‘Hello?’
His mother answered; ‘Richard, I need you to come home now. No questions. Just do it.’ She spoke in a hushed whisper, her voice fast and unnerved.
I fumbled for the bedside lamp. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I just need you here now, please.’ composed but persistent.
Why could she not tell me? Surely she did not expect me to travel all that way with no reason? ‘Mum, please, just tell me what’s going on and I’l come.’
‘I said, not over the phone Richard. Please.’ She fell silent, this was the end of it. An uncomfortable tension rose between us for around ten long seconds, until she broke it. ‘Please Richard.’
The naked neediness; a tone I have never heard from my mother, made her sound a stranger to me. I have nothing left to say. ‘Okay Mum, I’m coming.’
‘Thank you. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ She had already hung up.
* * *
Consciousness floods back into me; I keep my eyes shut. Silence. I hear no speech, though the atmosphere is still heavy with tension and death. The rope is still around my raw neck, but loose now. Realising I am shivering violently, I open my left eye a slit. The room is empty. For a few seconds I lie there with both my eyes open now taking in everything that has happened.
Stumbling up I take in this changed room. The countertops are spattered with mine and my mothers blood. The floor is carpeted with the shards of glass of all my mothers favourite photos. I stare at the pictures behind the spider webs of smashed glass, all my mothers photography, ruined. Her life. Gone. Already the absence of her seems to have settled into the house, into the air, into my bones. One of the shiny cupboard doors is hanging on its hinges, another has fallen off completely, revealing a gaping cave of glossy bowls and plates. The cutlery draw is open and disorganized and the knife stand is missing several. Lurching forwards I fall against the wall, then stagger through the archway back into the hall.
There is a large cavernous hole punched in the cool blue walls, and many stab wounds gouged into them. Outside the sun is rising slightly, and patches of the natural light bathe the hall in ugly beams of daylight. Stepping over the torn trampled photographs, and the remains of their frames I reach the front door. One of its glass panes is smashed, another now a shattered maze of cracks. I pull it slowly open, it squeals like a famished cat. Outside it is dawn, casting the street in a mist of grey. Each house looks substantially bigger than I remembered; much more intimidating. I feel so insignificant and minute.
Standing still for many elongated seconds; I have no idea where to go. Where can you go when your mother has just been murdered and you can not tell anyone? Nowhere. This is not normal. A luxurious black business car pulls up at the end of the driveway. Somewhere in the distance, a cat screeches, and I feel time slow down. Watching the car door open I keep still. A man in an expensive suit and thinning grey hair climbs out. His shoes are polished to perfection, and even his tie looks ironed. All I can do is watch as he walks briskly towards me. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
Feeling myself being grabbed from behind, I do not fight. There is no point, I know nothing of what is happening here today, with these people I may find answers. Answers to why my mother was murdered, answers to why I have been targeted, answers. My body gives in as they march me down the path to the car. The door is opened by the man with the ironed tie, and I step fearlessly inside.

homework homework coursework

today i was supposed to get a load of my work done + tidy my room a little bit.

instead i ended up i ended up getting up at 12.30, taking some shiz to oxfam and then to co-op to topup my phone, the coming back to eat chinese food and spend 3 hours watching gavin and stacey.
i don't know why i got up at 12.30, i just kept falling back to sleep because i couldnt be bothered to get out of bed, plus i was tired. the topup didnt give me the free texts and internet that it's supposed to, which means i am going to die, my credit is gonna go so fast having to pay for texts |: the chinese was good, but the time passed so fast watching the gavin and stacey that before i knew it it was 4.30 and i had got absolutely nothing done. i started redoing some coursework, and it went okay but now i dont know if im allowed to restart it. i tried doing maths, but got so bored and frustrated that i couldnt work it all out i just ended up laying on my bed.

so now im doing my coursework and this, but idk if im allowed to completely rewrite it. but i dont like my first one. i reread it and it sounds stupid. i wish i was good at writing english, i never find the right words. maybe i need to read more serious stuff like stephen king, maybe i should go to the library tomorrow and check a load out. but i get bored so easily. besides the library now isn't about the books now, it's just about looking pretty. there are nowhere near as many books as there used to be, :/ maths i can do, but its so god damn boring. anyway, i guess its back to my coursework. *sigh* i bet i just get another B anyway. i know thats good. but if i 'can do better' then i should, surely? but my hugetastic laziness just gets in the way. and the way im critical, and get bored too easily. eurgh. stupid. i miss being in primary, back then a page long story was loads...

i am getting my haircut tomorrow, then possibly need to go to an orange shop to get my texts, need em :( think i'l just get a trim, cba with anything else. anyway, back to my coursework!
:P
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