if?

this is gonna be a bit sad. so dont be annoyed at me cos i warned you \:

i went yog earlier. in the car everyone was saying i looked sad and in the end everything just came out, and it was first time in ages i've been like that, and i hated it. i hated it, i felt so bloody feeble cos i couldnt stop. my breathing was all horrible and i felt so crappy.
then i got to yog, and i had cryeyes. which made everything worse because everyone knew i was sad, and this just made me cry more, so much so that i wouldnt even open my mouth to speak because i would have just gone bleurgh and crack. i tried to hold it in, and i think i did pretty well. the strange thing is i dont know where it was all coming from because that morning i'd been fine. i guess its just when everyone knows you're sad cos you cant hide it that you just let out. but i am actually so thankful to all my friends. so much. i know i was pretty crappy but you were there for me and it just made me feel so much better, now lonely.
and i got home and into my room and just broke. everything i'd been holding in through yog just came out and poured down my face and i couldnt stop. and thats where i am now. but i know its not gonna help anything at all because you dont give a shit. its probably my fault anyway.
if i were skinnier
if i were prettier
if my belly was flatter, muscular
if my eyes were bigger
if my eyelashes were longer
if my nose was pointier
if my balance was daintier
if my hair was trendier, smoother, generally nicer
if my boobs were bigger
if my thighs were muscular
if my legs were thinner
if my fingers were slender
if my feet were prettier
if my smile was cuter
if my teeth were whiter
if i was nicer
if my face was shorter
if my cheeklines were bonier
if my eyebrows were shapier
if my nose was less shiney
if i had nicer legs
if my skin was smoother
if
maybe
maybe

shit happens.

i hate myself, im so pityful. why?!